Help comes so don't waver

It came out of nowhere, that restless feeling I had on Monday evening by the time the sky turned darker gray than usual and rain began to drop as I exited that Commuter Line's electric entrance gate.

But I kept walking on the same path of that asphalt road to reach my parents' house and prayed to Allah, the name Muslims address to their God, not to make the rain pour down hard at the moment until I safely arrived at home.

"I'm scared to perform the Hajj ritual," I whispered to myself while holding back my tears and brisked to race the would-soon rain evening, "I'm scared as if I am facing my own death."

Why did I suddenly feel that way, reluctant to complete my own grand Islamic pilgrimage?

I seek forgiveness, Allah. Dear God, I seek refuge to You to keep me out from the misleading the thought Satan keeps forcing inside my head.

Blaming Satan is the easiest way a human can commit though honestly I always question my less-knowledgeable self reasons why human put the blame to Satan and find help to God. Both God and Satan are irrational concept a secular human cannot grasp. Shouldn't I just accept that the thought came from my human ego?

While searching out many possible reasons that might pop up from my brain, I then came up with one acceptable reason behind my insecure feeling. It's not because I don't want to go to Mecca and Medina and it's not because I am scared to complete the long-awaited holly pilgrimage ritual either.

It is terribly worrying to think that colleagues at my current working place won't give any appropriate support for me to perform my one in a lifetime sacred pilgrimage.

"Don't you dare making us difficult when you're not here. It's your job so don't abandon your responsibility," I frowned in much disappointment to hear one of my "respected" Jakarta colleagues' reply when I told him I might go to Saudi Arabia for a grand pilgrimage or Hajj next year.

I took a deep breath and had a long exhale. How could a Jakarta colleague who is also an Indonesian Muslim said that? Who've ever thought he didn't give any advice let alone offered a help instead just walked away after saying that.

Well, for the very first place all Jakarta colleagues, particularly those old school ones, have always been mean to me. This was not the first time.

There is no way those jealous bad Jakarta colleagues nicely say, "Focus preparing your pilgrimage and don't you worry about work. We're here to help you anytime you need."

I convinced myself once again, it is not my choice to trust human. Relying help to human is definitely wrong from the very first beginning.

In the middle of my thought of disbelieving people. I remembered a phrase my parents taught me, "Masih ada Allah" or "You still have Allah" as a way to calm down my worry if I'm in trouble. But I disagree with this. Do not dare to say "There is still another hope. You still have Allah to help," when failing to get help from human.

It is questionable to put Allah as the last resort after prioritizing to seek help from other than God. Isn't it not proper if I turn to God after other things I seek assistance to proved to be unsuccessful?

Not giving a level of priority when seeking help to God is a must. Logically, a Muslim first asks his/her Allah for help, and then asks help again to find ways solving a problem to Allah, keep making efforts to seek help to Allah and so on. There is no priority level because there is only one to turn to i.e. Allah, isn't it?

Allah always helps all believers. There must be a way so don't waver, self.

Even though the official notification from the religious ministry has not reached me yet but on its official Hajj website, my Hajj registration number shows that I will go in 2020, Inshaa Allah.

"I humbly seek Allah's protection to keep me adamant that I'm performing Hajj next year for Allah and nothing else. Please God, make my way smooth sailing from now on until I complete my Hajj ritual," in such a soft trembling voice, I repeated these lines of pray over and over, gripping my hands on my chest.

This becomes one of my series of thought about my journey to the grand pilgrimage.